


Who Drives a Car in London, Anyway?

by qupecupid



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Bisexual Simon, Coming Out, Everyday, Just a fun headcanon of mine, M/M, Pretty casual, Slice of Life, to Agatha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 18:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14775092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qupecupid/pseuds/qupecupid
Summary: Penny’s the only one who’s been keeping up with Agatha for the past year, and Simon may have forgotten to send along some important information. Like his lack of straightness. Or that the lack thereof has a lot to do with Baz.





	Who Drives a Car in London, Anyway?

PENELOPE 

Agatha just got into town. None of us have seen her in over a year, which should be totally fine and not at all awkward. Especially since I’m the only one who’s talked to her since she moved away, but I think she prefers that.  
We picked her up from Heathrow around seven and she had this oddly familiar dog with her. She’s gone completely Californian, what with the tan, the shoes (flip flops in London, Jesus Christ), and a fucking pocket dog. I swear I’ve seen a dog just like it but it’s probably deja vu.  
Simon dragged Baz along, who was highly opposed to joining us. Baz says he’s concerned about “unwarranted hostility.” Any hostility towards Baz is warranted in my opinion. Which I told him. Which he didn’t appreciate. But Simon was so excited to see Agatha I think Baz felt rather obligated. How utterly in love the two of them are would be disgusting if I wasn’t so happy for them. It’s still pretty disgusting though.  
Agatha knows we’ve all patched things up with Baz, and I’m fairly certain she has a boyfriend now (with some dumb California name like Jake, or Brad, I can't remember), so the “chemistry” she and Baz had shouldn’t be an issue. Anyway the two of them are perfectly decent to each other. Baz might be a little jealous of how enthusiastically Simon hugs Agatha, but like I said, they’re disgustingly in love so it’s fine.  
Agatha has the evening to spend with us before she goes to spend the week with her parents, so we’ve decided to go out to dinner. We’ve brought Baz’s car (we could have just taken the underground like normal people, but no), and decide to tease Agatha into driving since she’s been away so long. Simon sits in the front, holding the dog, which he has become infatuated with. I always forget how much he loves animals. Baz says he’s seen a dog like it before, too, but mostly he’s busy smiling quietly at Simon. They should get a dog. It would be adorable, but I wonder if Baz would accidentally eat it or something. Probably not.  
Agatha’s fine at driving on the different side of the road, but her parking is - and always has been - absolutely dreadful.  
“Crowley, Agatha. You’re parking is about at straight as I am.” Simon chuckles.  
Baz snorts and I smile. But Agatha looks at Simon. Then back at us.  
Oh, god. Oh, no. Nicks and Slick. Simon, you are an actual natural disaster. I look at Baz. Baz looks at Simon. Simon’s still looking at the bloody dog. Baz and I look concernedly at Agatha.  
“What?” Agatha smiles, unnerved. If I think enough disapproving thoughts maybe Simon will catch on. He does.  
“Simon. Oliver. Snow.” I stare at him.  
Simon winces when I say his whole name. He looks sheepish as hell. As well he fucking should.  
“Did you fail to tell Agatha Wellbelove, our good friend and ally of almost ten years, that you are, in fact, bisexual?”  
Agatha looks absolutely shocked. She never was very observant.  
“Well…” He looks quite like fish, opening and closing his mouth like the imbecile that he is. “You were the only one talking to her, but- I mean- I should have told her - it's just- I guess I just… forgot.”  
“You forgot.” I can never resist adding a scathe to my tone. I would have thought Baz would be mad, but instead he’s suppressing laughter. I’m the only thing holding this family together.  
“Did it never occur to you-“  
“Look, I’ll tell her right now, right?” Simon turns to Agatha, still bewildered in the driver's seat.  
“Agatha.” He says.  
“Yes, Simon?” She looks quite desperate for an explanation.  
“I’m bi.” Simon says, less abashed now. Aleister Crowley, he’s an idiot.  
“Oh.”  
“I would have told you its just- I- You know- I meant to, er-“  
“No, no. It’s fine. I understand.” Agatha looked relieved. “That actually makes a lot of sense.”  
“Cool.” Simon says. He looks out the window. Then at his hands. “And I’m dating Baz.”  
Agatha looks like she’s been slapped across the face. Her jaw actually drops. Her hand flies up to cover it. She’s staring at Simon. Then she looks at Baz. Baz bursts into hysterical laughter.  
“Is this a joke?” Agatha looks at me. I roll my eyes.  
“Not a joke.” Baz manages.  
“You two are… are dating?”  
“Yeah.” Simon says.  
“Since when?”  
“Last Christmas.” Simon is better at short, uninvolved sentences.  
Agatha’s eyes get wider. She looks like maybe she’s actually thinking it out. Then she smacks a hand down on the dash.  
“That’s why you were acting all whispery at Baz’s house last year! You two shagged on bloody Christmas right as the whole world was about to end!”  
“Woah, we did not shag.” Simon interjects.  
“Well-“ Baz starts.  
“We did not. That’s not a ‘well’. That’s a fact.”  
“Whatever you say, love.” Baz winks at him.  
“Right, I’m going to vomit. Let me out.” I say, pulling at the door handle.  
“Penny-“ Simon reaches for me like a life raft.  
“This is all your fault, Simon.” I wave him off.  
“Wait, everyone shut up.” Agatha turns all the way around from the driver's seat.  
We all look at her.  
“Just to be clear,” she presses a hand to her forehead. “Simon, you’re bisexual?”  
Simon nods.  
“And you’re dating Baz.”  
Simons nods again.  
Agatha looks a tad accusatory. Good for her, being all assertive. California's been good to her.  
“Baz, did you ever actually flirt with me?”  
“No,” Baz says “It was all part of my master plan to kill and/or date Simon.”  
“You had a ma-“ Simon begins.  
“Try not to think too hard love, you’ll hurt yourself.” Baz smiles wryly.  
Agatha looks at a loss. And rather irritated at Baz. He should really apologize but he’s not going to. He’s an actual tart sometimes.  
“Ok. This is fine. Everything is fine.” She takes a deep breath and smiles weakly. Then:  
“Well, at least you’re not trying to kill each other anymore.”  
There is a pause. The dog licks its nose.  
“So did you shag on Christmas?” I say.  
“Penny!” Simon’s blushing, but I can tell he thinks it’s funny.  
“I want to understand the dynamic!”  
“We didn’t.” Baz says calmly. “I just wanted to see how you’d all react. Very entertaining.”  
“Baz, you act like a sociopath.”  
“Yes but I’m Simon’s sociopath, aren’t I?”  
I roll my eyes. Again.  
“Why don’t we just go get dinner?” Agatha looks very tired.  
“Great idea.” I say, pushing a still laughing Baz out of the car door.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by an actual text post by simonandtyrannus. I made Simon bi rather than gay because I myself am a disaster bi and I really identified with that part of the story (yay representation!). My bff/editor made me add more dog because she’s a dog lesbian and actually Obsessed. Also, right now I’m working on “a night on the town” and the wedding reception so lmk which one you would prefer to see! Thanks again! - Stella


End file.
